Someone was concerned that I was not posting lately. For me, it's a good thing. Since I have arfid/high anxiety, generally when I am writing and posting daily it means that I am distracting myself from the process of eating, which I detest. Unless, of course, it's high quality chocolate cake and almond milk. Ha.
I mostly blog on a phone using two thumbs. Essentially texting a blog. I feel like most people use a keyboard and a larger device. I noticed early on that both the action of thumb typing and the need to formulate thoughts calms me down so that I am not focusing on the feeling of food in my mouth and throat. Today is an exception because I am about to bleed very soon (skyrocketed anxiety) and high doses of Lexapro amplify these sensations. Not as much as weed, but in that same neighborhood. So, I blog and eat today.
This whole week and since I last blogged, I still look at my phone. I was just reading things online. Which is good. It indicates little to no anxiety. It's just habit. Honestly, when I am doing well enough to read my phone, what I should then do is practice eating while watching TV or doing nothing. Like normal people.
At some point I discovered there is apparently science behind moving both thumbs being a soothing thing. Because an anxiety therapist once recommended moving both feet up and down when anxious to use both sides of the brain. From there, we can extrapolate that moving 2 thumbs does the same thing. And if you're being funny in a post, or taking a different stand on something, you are also harnessing intelligence and creativity. Further reducing anxiety. Have you ever had anxiety and noticed that watching something funny eliminates it? Yeah. So the whole blogging to ease anxiety thing is an all around win. But it is also a crutch. Like, ever since 2019 when my brain broke.
All of this is a very long winded way of saying - when I away for a week or two at a time, it's generally a good thing.
It used to be kind of a bad thing. Because if I was not blogging daily I was drinking. Which was another thing that destroyed inhibitions and helped me eat like a normal person. Except that more often than not, I didn't remember the meals! And probably ate far more than I normally would...
So in the past it was bad when I was away. Now it's good. Yeah, nothing is worse for any eating disorder than also being an alcoholic. The two things do a fucked up waltz with each other.
Yeah, and you know you have regressed when you finish a meal and go, "I did it! Thank God that's over with! I don't have to do it again for 6 hours!" Ha.
Except chocolate cake or banana bread. These things seldom have an offensive texture. And as it is pms time, I want a great deal of both.
I have made 63 days. I have not done that since 2018. I had a close call yesterday. High anxiety, being out in public. But. I won. And will do my best to continue winning. Man. It's hard sometimes.
Sigh. I am so fucked up and there is so much wrong with me. I have laid out 3 major issues in this post alone. My only consolation is there's all kinds of people out there who have several (or more) mental issues all at once.
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