Trazadone is amazing, but sometimes even on Traz, I'm only looking at 5 or 6 hours of sleep. Maybe 6.5. Imagine how much worse it would be without it.
I tried listening to sleep hypnosis but there's a level of anxiety where you're not gonna connect and it's just time to get up.
I keep ruminating on this thing the boss said. I have to let it go. She likely wasn't aware of how callous her statement seemed to an addict. One who most definitely didn't want to make that phone call, does not want to miss work, does not want to pee in front of a stranger and be vulnerable to medical professionals.
Contrast this to the CFO. Here's my ray of light. An empath. She came up as I was printing something and said I am an empath. I have no idea what is going on, she said, but I'd like to give you a hug. I hugged her yesterday. Not the kind of personality you expect in a CFO, but there it is. I am going to swing by her office today and tell her thanks. Buy her a coffee. The other day B said people don't see and notice because they are up their own asses. This is largely true. But there are exceptions. Empaths.
Anyway. The boss has to be a boss. I need to let it go and give her some grace here. I actually did wake up thinking maybe I should ask them if I can bring my work laptop in.
Pfff. Normally they don't even let you bring your fucking cell phone into detox. They are not going to let me work.
This company went 6 or more months without a fucking recruiter. And it's the slow season. They can manage and split the load for 5 days. You know. In some ways it's flattering that I apparently bring so much value. But, come on. This level of addiction isn't good. That's the thing about business. As long as you're not out of control during the day and you're at least somewhat productive, nobody gives a shit that your life outside of work is going down the toilet.
Nevermind that you're operating at 30%-40% productivity on hangover days instead of 100%. And if you don't get a handle on it soon, productivity will slide down to zero percent. But to a lot of people on the outside, 30-40 percent looks pretty good.
I know how much better I do on my well days.
Anyway, maybe this job isn't a good fit. I was aghast anyway that the place I landed was a fucking casino. Then when she told me I was going to spend more time interviewing than sourcing, networking and chasing, I cracked the door and put my foot out. When she said we'll get a second recruiter to help with the workload, I cracked the door a little wider. The threat of it. We might not get along or they might be better than me. That's the fear. But then I don't want to be perceived as a job hopper either, so I shut the door back and stayed in.
Anyway I probably don't need to be thinking about job shit right now. That's part of the problem and has been for a while. Prioritizing work concerns over personal concerns. Which is why what thar boss said was terrible. She inadvertently fed into my worst fears and impulses. I have no value outside of my HR and recruiting talents.
Just a dancing monkey. Perform well or fuck off. Will they let you work in there while you're trying to re-stabilize and get clean for good?
So, you can see why it's been hard not to ruminate about it.
For the newer followers, I also have a Restrictive eating disorder. So that's fun. I am actually hungry right now. It's 5 a.m. I don't normally eat before 11 a.m. when I am in a better eating zone. But eating very little for several days creates hunger at odd times. It's likely part of the reason I was up at 3. Now it's 5.
Maybe I'll go with it and eat something before I roll into work today.
I stayed sober and went to bed early. It's always roughly the 48 hour mark where things start to get pretty tough.
One brick at a time to rebuild. It's been ages since I've done things I enjoy. I became very untethered and lost at sea. As I said yesterday, I thought it was bad a year or two ago. But it was not particularly bad yet. I had more control then. Well, maybe not a year ago because I had long covid then. But 2 years ago I had a lot more control, I just wasn't great at employing that control.
I need to write about the last week. Either by hand or here. I was observing and collecting while I was experiencing.
The worst is the listlessness and apathy that will sometimes happen. A couple days ago I could not read or watch anything because I did not give a shit about anything. There was a day where I insisted on deep cleaning the house last weekend, but felt the need to drink while doing it. In order to follow through.
I mean. If you're not well, it's okay to let the house or living environment go for another week. Rather than drink so that you can achieve cleaning. It's a strange mentality that I need to work on. It goes back to that same dancing monkey mentality. I have no value outside of work and productivity.
I also can't stand those apathetic spells. Lexapro can actually make it worse because of sedation. But there must be some other way to make apathy go away in those moments.
Well today is better than yesterday so far. I am not hungover. The period has ended. My focus has returned. But I can't self deceive just because I feel better. Sure, the other solution is to just move into the hotel. That solves one problem. But now that I have revealed my weakness to someone I really didn't want to discuss it with, I should follow through with detox. One day of feeling better does not stability make.
It is an up-and-down cycle.
Yes, her comment was short sighted but I have the ability to see through it and recognize it for what it is. Not everyone has this critical thinking skill. And if you have it, you should use it to your advantage and utilize this logic part of the brain whenever emotion part of the brain wants to take such a thing personally. It isn't personal, it's business. I wouldn't care that much if I got let go anyway, in a way. I despise this industry. Sure, I worry about money, but I have skills and things tend to fall into place one way or another. I worry about bothering my references to put in a good word for me again.
Bah. I feel nausea and I'm hungry. It may be time to take a shower and get on with my day. I am sure I will write more later.
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