I am in the old age of youth, 46 orbits and counting. I have absolutely no reservations in saying that I would not go back to my younger days. I very rarely discuss personal matters but on this occasion I will say that I had a monstrous childhood, and that the effects of dealing with the complex trauma I have endured as a result of being raised by a vicious malignant narcissist have been very difficult to manage. So here I am, approaching fifty and my god, the liberty of exercise, it is so freeing.
Complex Trauma and Youth
Complex trauma is the compounding of repeated traumatic events inflicted upon a person over time. The outdoors has helped me exorcise my demons where nothing else worked. There is a liberation that comes from being outside. Even though I frequently hike the same routes when I go with my dog, Barkley, it does not matter.
Why your dog is happy
Converting Miles into Healing for the Mind and Body
My disdain for the gym is well documented on this blog. By that I mean that those who love it are welcome to it but I do not envy them. I would happily go in the absence of any other options but I would also try everything else first. The fact is that the beauty and ferocity of nature are, to me, both vital aspects of clean living. The beauty because it heals and soothes. The ferocity because it makes a person tough. When I see gym bros waddling around, wearing way-too-tight shirts, sticking their chests out and always making sure to carry something at the level of the solar plexus so their biceps pop I just roll my eyes. In terms of the ability to endure, to hope for better and to withstand physical and mental strain I have found that trail running through fields, rivers mid, forests and more is so much better. Believe me, if you have the courage to get up at 0500 religiously, throughout winter in the UK when it is dark for most of the whole day, morning after morning and run trails in freezing rain, snow or just the general cold, then you will get tough. It would be impossible not to. I do not mean tough as in combat. Notwithstanding self-defence I am not interested in combat sports. I mean the kind of toughness that makes one resilient, glacially calm, unflappably monolithic and able to withstand the travails of life.
As crazy as it sounds, my thousands of miles on the trail, whether running, hiking or cycling, have done more to help me heal from past trauma than anything else. I used to teach in a school eight miles from my home, which is a fairly easy distance to cycle commute. However, where I live every direction out of my town is uphill. The first seven miles of that commute are more or less a nonstop climb. I loved every second of it because arriving at work after that made the day easy. I wish I could explain it in more precise terms. I can only say that taking the strain has brought healing and peace.
Reading Johann Hari a few years ago I instinctively understood his point when he drew a link between sexual trauma and obesity. It is maddening to me that so often the mind is thought of as completely distinct from the body, as though it were not another organ. One cannot heal one without the other in my opinion.
Lately I started a monthly weigh-in. From a high of sixteen stones and two pounds I recently broke fifteen stones, I currently reside at fourteen stones and eleven pounds. This has coincided to the day with my getting a good therapist and dealing with all of the crap that lives in my past. That is all the evidence I need. To shed almost twenty pounds (and counting) in a short time as I have tells me that healing my mind has invigorated my body. Carrying around that burden is one form of resistance that will not yield a good result. Learning to thrive and to completely neutralise the terrible memories has seen me almost immediately break through nine minute miles and I am getting towards breaking eight minutes. I am quietly confident of sneaking under seven eventually.
You cannot beat the pain by refusing to feel it. You cannot ever build enough muscle to successfully carry the burden of past misery efficiently. As hard as it is, particularly when the pain is not your fault, sometimes you have to get help to let it go. Life waits to be lived, not endured through a fog of anger, however justified it may be. Healing is a gift and putting down toxic burdens is not letting awful people off the hook, it is a privilege to live and thrive, despite what happened. Heal your mind, heal your body.
No comments:
Post a Comment