The passage I found for this week's post is really simple, yet so difficult to grasp. I myself struggled with this concept for years. Well, I won't say I struggled. I was more unaware of happiness. I took it for granted. Let me explain.
In my 20s happiness just felt like a byproduct of living. I was building my life and I was happy. I got engaged, got married, bought a house, had a child, then had another child, sold my first house, built a second house, moved into the new house with my family, and then I caught my breath. Seven months after Jeff and I moved into our second house, I fell into a frightening depression. It was something I never want to experience ever again. My point: I wasn't aware of my happiness until it was gone. Not only was my happiness gone, so was every other emotion in my body.
The depression I experienced was nothing my doctor or my therapist had ever heard of. I went to bed one night and the next morning I woke up without a thought in my head or a feeling in my body. If I didn't have a baby and a toddler to take care of, I probably would have laid there in my bed and died. It was that dire.
Time and a lot of self awareness pulled me out of that. I won't say I did "work" to return from that awful place; I just lived. I got up each day and initially tried to make myself happy. I joked with the kids and Jeff; I watched funny shows. I tried everything to make me happy, and it didn't work. The harder I tried, the worse I felt. That futile attempt at trying to bring happiness into me only made me more anxious. Then I stopped.
I don't remember if I consciously stopped trying to make myself happy or if it happened organically. What I remember was that being active and doing things brought me peace. I also did things with a purpose.
For example, laundry. I know it sounds ridiculous and a lot of people (my own kids included) don't like doing laundry. I love it. And I do because it will forever be linked with one of the purposeful actions I did during my depression that brought me joy.
See, when my babies were babies, I loved the smell of their clean clothes. I also liked taking the chaos of a pile of dirty clothes, cleaning and folding them and putting them away, thus bringing order. It was one of the things I could control in a life that felt so out of control.
Reading brought me peace. It was more passive. It was an escape, and it also connected me to my old self. I was always an avid reader. I think reading tapped an old familiar part of my brain which I thought was gone. It made me feel more whole.
What happened with time, thankfully, was I started to return to myself. Through deeds and actions, I got back to happy. I can't remember how long it took. The depression hit me in June, and I seem to remember by the Holidays I was about 85% back to being me.
I've put away most of the angst from that period. However, the loneliness I felt at that time, despite not being alone, haunts me still. I always had people around me, yet I felt alone. It's uncanny when I look back on it now. When I hear others in my life say they are lonely, I feel for them. I know that feeling. I also know I can't help them.
When I was in my depression, no amount of social interaction changed how I felt inside. An internal change doesn't happen from external forces. I had to change myself from within. Nobody could do it for me. That is what frightened me the most and caused setbacks when I was recovering. It made me feel more lonely, and even abandoned, when I realized I was the only one who could help me. It shook me when my therapist explained that concept to me. The more I tried to "bring" happiness to me, the worse I felt. That also shook me. It's causing me anxiety just to write about it now.
I will never forget that time in my life. It is a part of me I honor and also give a wide berth to in my head. It will never be fully gone from me. However, I like to think it happened to give me the toolset I have today. The depression and becoming a brain tumor survivor have brought an awareness to me that I am grateful and thankful for. They have also strengthened my faith. Without prayer and the Good Lord in my life, I would be lost. In all the storms I have weathered, feeling the Lords presence in my life has been my anchor.
Change can't happen without awareness. And it can't happen by forcing it. A quiet approach to change - Purpose. Patience. Kindness. Peace - will lead to happiness.
If you are struggling, be gentle with yourself. Be quiet. Sit with the discomfort and honor it. Trying extricate yourself from it makes it hold on tighter. I learned that first hand. Seek help. Talk to professionals. Then, in time, before you know it, you will notice that happiness and you become old friends.
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