I'm a fucking mess and I need some damned help. When you start getting real cynical about the program, trust me when I say it's a lot more your problem than theirs. Sure, they don't do a whole lot of critical thinking. But, honestly, if some of these asswipes have honestly been poison-free for 15 or 20 plus years than I don't think it's much of a stretch to say they possibly have a little more wisdom and life experience than I do.
I am back to my bullshit today. Yeah, I got started the moment I woke up and have not even had caffeine yet. Although to be fair, I did have a very loving and understanding conversation with her where I made amends and stuff. Because I am feeling good now and stripped of all fear, plus I hardly notice any breathing issues at the moment.
But, I am an asshole. She says I went on such an angry tirade last night about her not joining me for a night walk that she felt compelled to close and lock the door to her bedroom. I said well why were you not concerned for the cats? And she said she knows I would never in a million years do the cats harm (very true), but she just does not want to take the risk of me entering and going on a tirade even if it does not escalate to violence, which, she can't ever be 100 percent sure it won't escalate to violence.
I'm an asshole. I'm scared. Often... I don't breathe well these days (or at ) least this week) and I have a bit of anxiety anyway.
I have got to get the fuck away and give her some peace. It's 11:50 in the morning. I am drunk. I feel peaceable and I had a very good and very productive conversation with her full if empathy on my part, but that won't last. Tomorrow I will hate her for not loving me enough or being sympathetic enough or whatever. I know these things.
I need some goddamned help. I need help. I need support. This is hard. Long covid is hard. Alcoholism is hard. All of this is fucking HARD.
If I need to go on naltrexone and check myself into a facility, I will. Not even necessarily because of the difficulty I am personally having, but because I don't want to be a huge pain in the ass to other people. I want to be helpful. I want to be an advocate. I don't want to drag people down.
God, the self esteem is at a low. You can't imagine. But pretty soon I will take action. For the moment I am just drunk and happily NOT bothered by breathing difficulties. Mostly because booze is an anesthetic. But. We all have to pay the piper eventually. I ain't stupid. We have to pay the piper eventually in one form or another. And if you keep this up for days and weeks, tempting as that may be? Paying the piper then becomes a matter of delirium tremens. Last I heard thar is sort of unpleasant and can be, you know, a bit deadly. So I shall try to pay the piper tomorrow and then cut it off and never pay that bastard again.
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