What yarn shall I spin to get a meal down today? The hormones have shifted and now I can enjoy the sun again, and I can go about doing chores with the help of some strong iced tea and a smoothie.
She has ordered mushrooms and I will try microdosing again. The only reason I stopped before was anxiety. One day, probably when I was already anxious, I had doubled the dose from one eighth of a gram (the standard) to one quarter of a dose. B eats a whole gram like nothing on a semi-regular basis, so I thought nothing of it. For her, this gram results in a shimmery atmosphere and occasionally some very mild and fleeting little hallucinations. For reference and for those who do not know, a full recreational dose hovers between 2.5 and 3.5 grams depending on the person and the batch. So one gram isn't very much... and the eighth of a gram people are using for depression is almost imperceptible.
Well, I might have considered on that day that I have a different body and a sensitive body at that. Going up to a quarter (two tiny little pills) from an eighth gave me anxiety and it gave me an odd little buzzing sensation in my head. Yeah, no recreational level psychedelics any time soon for this girl.
So then I said fuck this and gave her back the remainder of the monthly course. I don't believe I took them very long, but the first afterglow Sunday resulted in me rising out of bed, going straight for my journal and writing my ass off. I got all philosophical and everything. So these little mushroom pills do something. I remember feeling creative that day. It's not a silver bullet but nothing is. The plan is to keep doing the AA spiritual stuff, start trying to do a walk every morning as often as I can, and continue the steroid inhaler because guess what. I think it is finally starting to work on the asthma. It took an entire freaking month or more, but I am not wheezing now. Struggling to breathe takes a whopper of energy. So that aspect of long covid is getting treated and there is hope.
It's a little bit of the wild west, this mushroom business. Maybe some folks are being monitored by an open minded doctor who approves this business, but many are not. Although it is a very tiny dose, it is still largely a black market affair. B got herself connected and now I am connected.
It's also risky in the sense that you have one day off of it's effects completely. Unlike Lexapro and others, it's not in your system constantly. You have dose day, afterglow day, free day. Then you start the process over again. This is by design, as to avoid building up a tolerance. It's one day on, two days off. Second day results in an afterglow. We are instructed to utilize other tools for that off day, such as Journaling. Which to be fair, you know all mental health patients are supposed to do things besides meds, therapy and all that. But it definitely feels like going rogue and hoping for the best. I have little choice, I gotta keep trying things. Lexapro didn't work and we see how that ended. Vomiting coffee in the morning. Being psycho as usual. Being upset that B was traveling for work. Even though I adore my alone time (pms is not logical...I wanted her around but wanted to be alone too). And finally, a big puddle dive into drink. Fucking PMS always gets me. People without it don't understand. It's so chaotic. And then if you have attachment trauma on top, you're real fun to deal with. Oh yeah, and the pms makes the eating disorder act up. And so does boozing.
Well, I am clear headed today. And I am not going to stop trying. I am not putting anything in the body today except ibuprofen. So first mushroom dose is tomorrow. And I'll keep working on the spirituality. Wow I stopped eating a while back I guess I just needed to write. Sigh. I hate wasting food but this is not happening today.
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