My dad shared this with me last week; it made me cry. When I called him, he just said: "I know you so well." He's right, I've always been hard on myself. After we finished talking, I pulled up this post again, and really thought about.
For more than five years now, I have called myself a recovering perfectionist. I like to think I've improved in that area. I try to cut myself slack when things don't go according to plan, and I like to think I'm more gentle with myself.
For example, when my husband and I went skiing in California in February, I struggled with the deep snow. Being an East Coast skier, I'm used to skiing on firm, icy conditions. When I struggled in the morning the first day in California, initially I wanted to give up. However, after lunch, I went back out skiing and had a better afternoon.
Last week, I was in Banff, Canada skiing with Jeff. I ran into deep powder once more. Again, I struggled. This time, I immediately went to a less steep run and did laps trying to get more comfortable in the deep snow.
Jeff was proud of me, and so was I, for not getting angry and giving up. He said, "You know, a few years ago you would have quit after one run. You've come a long way." I took my boots off at the end of the day and felt so happy.
Then, I thought of this post and I remembered how crummy I used to feel when I gave up because I wasn't skiing perfectly. When I beat up myself for not being the best out there. I was always miserable when I had a "One-run-and-done day." One of those days when the conditions were bad and I didn't believe I was strong enough to be out there, so I quit. I really am proud of how far I've come.
I still have moments, days, where I get frustrated. I still haven't submitted one of the stories I've written to a publisher because "It's not done." Every time I look at it, I keep finding something to change. That's all me. I just need to let it go, print it, and send it. This is a part where my perfection still holds me back; where I'm still hard on myself.
As I sat thinking about this post, I realized when I began to change. What I went through with my brain tumor - the diagnosis and subsequent surgery - changed me. It put life in perspective. It made me realize that life can change in an instant and not to sweat the small stuff.
I am working on trying to be more gentle with myself. You can too. Please know - perfection isn't perfect. It causes more harm than good and can hold you back. Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself when things don't go according to plan. Don't give up when the going gets tough. Keep trying. It will make you feel stronger.
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