Are we there yet, working people of the world? I have actually had a fairly busy day. Which, these days, can sometimes be rare for me.
Yesterday I made a post private after publishing. It's just because it's so embarrassing. I talked in detail about how I am pursuing ED treatment and alcoholism treatment at the same time. My worries that insurance won't cover both and all that. I got embarrassed because the ED in particular is so embarrassing. I should have probably left it up (maybe I will republish) because it really takes you thru a walk of what ARFID is like.
Probably the only reason I am forcing myself to eat right now is that I am out of Boost. Otherwise I would have taken the easy way out.
Best part is this salad actually tastes divine because it has olive garden Italian dressing. Even so, I rush through and can't wait to "get it over with". Just so messed up. Then I will be hungry around 7 or so but will dread eating and will just drink a Boost.
As I said before, covid started this and going down to Texas really kicked it into gear.
Let's be positive. At least I am doing it now. I just got a whole bowl of salad down. Sure, I spit out the last bite and I engaged in my normal weird behaviors. But I got salad down. Additionally I got a very small slice of pizza down, and I am working on another one.
B was super sweet last night. Telling me not to be hard on myself. I ate half a little bag of Mexican cheetos late at night with her and I talked about how amazing it was because I had not eaten since like 11 a.m. or something. But how there was no way I could get one of those grilled cheese sandwiches. She just told me I deserve love and understanding. We've had such a rough road but I love her so much.
You know, that was so good that for a moment I thought I might eat more. That would be the correct thing to do, just tell some kind of story on here and see if I cannot get lost in it and relax. But not today. The voice that is horrified at eating tells me that 2 little slices of pizza (quite small, they add up to a regular size slice) and a bowl of salad is enough. Plus, now that it's settling I feel uncomfortably full. Legit, that happens after a while. It shrinks or something. Why does the stomach shrink? I guess it is like a muscle that gets a bit weak without regular use.
Yeah. Now I am glad I did not keep going. Do you remember being miserable on Thanksgiving, or another feast holiday overseas? Yeah a slice of pizza and a modest salad with a little cheese and Italian dressing does that to me. Still so weird.
Anyway I am out. I probably will republish that other one before this one. Don't be such a pussy, Mel. They already know you are a drunk with an eating disorder. Educate the public.
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