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Hello love,
I'm writing to save my own life. I'm writing to force myself to be honest about the things that have happened to me, not because I'm looking to vilify those who have hurt me, exonerate my own toxic behaviour, or seek attention and sympathy. I'm also not trying to trigger anyone, but I think presenting my struggles in a way that lets people know that they are not alone is more important. If we only talk about certain topics that are sanitized for public consumption, we only reach the tip of the ice burg. If you're like me, there's things in your life that are so deep and dark that you can't even think about talking about it. It is the same for those who have hurt us. They couldn't possibly imagine being vulnerable, and so they seek to pass their pain onto others. You and I do the same things, even if we don't want to admit it.
So if I don't talk about it, not only to contribute to my own silencing, but I communicate to you that the dark things in your life are too disgusting and unacceptable for you to face them. My hope is that if you see that someone else has had similar, horrible thoughts and experiences to you, it might give that darkness a little less of a hold. I hope you'll seek out more and more people with dark stories, and each one is a little star in the dark. When the darkness is loose enough, we might be able to be honest with ourselves about the awful things that have happened. Then, since we know that others have been able to speak about it, maybe we will have the courage to no longer simply hear, but speak as well. And this makes it a little brighter, too. And on and on down the road of recovery, bringing others into the light as we go. Not by telling them that it's not that bad. But that they deserve the best. Never perfection, but also striving in a healthy direction. That's what we all deserve, and that's what those around us deserve from us.
I'm writing because if I don't, I'm going to try to kill myself again. It's shocking to say, but it's true. Maybe there's something that you do that keeps this particular darkness at bay. This is mine. My brain is such a painful tangle that I can't breathe sometimes. There's stretches where every day is a struggle not to go to the pharmacy to load up drugs and take them all. Third time is a charm, after all. This season of darkness is one that seems to bring me to my knees every year, even though I've been aware of the pattern the last couple of years. It doesn't seem to help.
What does help is giving myself permission to talk about it. No matter how fucked up it is. Even if no one else ever reads this, the act of communing with myself is freeing. It helps to reverse the ways that I've betrayed myself, because that hurts more than what anyone else could do to me. Gaslighting is designed to make you turn on yourself, so that you then become your own perpetrator. It takes the work right out of the abuser's hands, and they live rent free in your head, controlling you from vast distances, even beyond the grave. This self-betrayal is self-perpetuating, because it makes us wonder what's wrong with us that we would let someone do those things to us or let it happen to those around us, and the cycle continues.
I'm going to be honest. My life is a disastrous mess right now, mostly because of my poor coping strategies that I learned to cope as a child, or that soothe me in a weird, twisted way. Because we were taught by having love and abuse conflated that pain should be comforting. By being told that the pain is happening "because I just want what's best for you," or "because I love you," or "because you'll thank me when you're older," we are taught that pain or numbness is the way to feel better. It's a weird and twisted lie that is hard to put our finger on, which is why it is so insidious and hard to root out.
I don't write these things to try and shame or get revenge on those who have hurt me. Many of you know who you are. And even though I don't think we could ever have a frank discussion about what I'm writing here, I hope that if you're reading this, you'll take the whole context of what I'm saying. I'm quite certain you'll go into self-defence mode, maybe turn on me, to protect the pain that you hold within yourself. If someone else was open about what I've done to them in the same way I'm being here, I would be hurt, ashamed, and feel the need to justify myself to them and to the world. I get it. But the fact is, I would be wrong in doing so, and I write to build more accountability in myself. I was taught, just like you, to protect myself at all costs, which includes attacking those who seem to be attacking me. I get it.
But even if I'll never be able to have a discussion with you about the pain that you caused me without you throwing things back in my face, I hope you can see yourself in me. I hope for you the same things I wish for any other reader – that you'll feel liberated, and empowered to take steps toward your own healing. That's what I want for you. Because I do love you, and I wish that things could be healthy between us. But I'm also learning not to betray myself, and not enable you to keep hurting me. I can be honest with myself and say that I have tried to tell you, in a calm and loving way, what I feel and what boundaries I need, but you haven't been ready to really hear it. I'm happy for the progress that I've been seeing, but I know you're not ready to hear the full extent of what I feel, not face to face, because you will turn around and shred me with it. Whether through attacks or withdrawal and denial, it will only hurt me more, which will hurt us more. I pray that one day you'll be ready and that I'll be courageous enough to take that step, but for now, I need to love myself by loving you at a distance. Sometimes at a great distance, in silence, not letting myself do anything more than hope you don't do yourself more harm, knowing that you probably will.
I'm going to call it what it is, so that you and others like me can call it like it is.
Thanks for Stopping by!
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"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him."
~ Romans 15:13
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