Jeez. I've reached that point once again where I kind of wish someone would lock me up for a month. Maybe even 3.
I feel like I need a team. Mental health counselor, substance abuse counselor, the whole shebang.
I've common among folks like me to go back and forth between prideful and fierce independence, versus wanting someone to lock them away and fix them.
Well, as a start I think I need to do some support group stuff that I don't really want to do and then also take a more serious look at herbs that treat pms stuff. Research time.
I am supposed to be studying benefit plans and 401k stuff for work. That ain't happening today. Heh.
I am impressed that I am eating. But. This one will be way longer than the time it takes to eat a meal.
I told B yesterday that I think I am a bad influence, and this is part of the reason I have been staying away. B is my partner. Less than a year. I sometimes wonder how I would have got through this summer without her. But I definitely know that she has more willpower than I do. Beyond that we have some big similarities and some big differences too.
She is on a path toward healing and she is being incredibly strong. She quit caffeine and nicotine cold turkey. She's just dealing with it. She talks about sleepiness and dizziness. Hard time focusing on work. She also had to modify her diet and she's basically fasting. I admire her, but it also makes me feel inadequate.
She expects to come back from the healing retreat totally changed, or hopes to, and she is already starting that process.
When she first talked about this total change, one of my thoughts was kind of, honestly...where does that leave me?
Well, I was just discussing unconditional love. I feel that for B too. If she ends up going down a different path and meets someone who is less of a basket case then I am, and like more into new age stuff and all that, I support that. I wouldn't need to be in the scene to be happy for her.
For all my struggle, at least I am giving out a lot of unconditional love these days. The spirit of giving feels good somehow.
I sure do have a hard time accepting or trusting such a thing when it is directed at me, though.
Not sure I am going to do this big article I was going to do about A. This third installment of Odds N Sodds may be my last time writing about all this. I have got to turn inward and double down on some healing. If we want to carry her legacy on, then what we can do is fight stigma. And link to her site.
I sat down and said "why do I want to do this?" Some of it was honoring memory, but I think some of it was going to be the opportunity to flex my journalism muscles. In other words, ego. The idea thar I could write it better than anyone I know, based on having devoured all of her content in the past and having it burned into my memory.
Well, I don't need to be operating out of ego right now. I am feel vulnerable and that is a healthy place for me to be. By that I mean it makes me more open to viewing myself as a patient that I need to take care of and figuring our how I am going to gather a care team. Ugh. We'll see how long this lasts, but I do need help and it's hard admitting that.
I think this will be the swan song in discussing her. Even without making something meant for general consumption that is all full of quotes and talking about how stigma and bad mental health workers contributed to her demise and all that, even so over this past week I think I have done a pretty good job honoring her memory.
And something I saw today is a great segue into discussing how even when people do good things and act angelic towards others, they can have negative traits and nobody is perfect.
I was a little shocked at a new comment on the goodbye page this morning. My gut tells me it's a male. He said this morning he received an e-mail from her that was supposed to go out 3 weeks after her death.
He said it chilled him to read it, and that he cannot forgive her for the things she wrote in that e-mail, but that he is glad she is no longer in misery.
I have so many thoughts. I feel bad for the guy. I have been on the receiving end of her mean ways before. It sounds like she was cruel to him. I hate that she was in that much pain and was holding a grudge against someone. It's pretty cruel to program an e-mail to go out 3 weeks after death and say mean things. She'd have to be in an awful, awful lot of fucking pain to do that to somebody. It's hard to sit with this.
And again, this in no way subtracts from what I said in the last piece about the love she gave out. Clinical depression can suppress the good in someone and can make them cold and at times psychotic.
One of her people jumped in and validated his pain. They said we hope you can find safe ways to get comfort and peace over this, basically. They also expressed sadness over knowing she was hurting that much, in so many words. It makes things so much worse. My first reaction is that posting that was in poor taste. But he was hurting and wanted people to know the whole truth of the matter.
Most people are complex, and she was no exception. Again, I see it as an opportunity to strive toward full acceptance of people. Learning from that. Accepting all the colors of the rainbow. As long as they are, you know, not using or manipulating or killing others. People can all be mean.
The end of our friendship thing actually came about because of what I perceived as her cruelty toward me. I remember that it shocked me a little. I was accustomed to her providing support, looked to her for support one day in crisis, and her response to me was cold and judgemental. Seemingly out of nowhere. I was also already in crisis and super anxious. As I have said before, if I knew then what I know now, I would have done my best not to take her statements personally. Seems she was having a bad depression day. She was also a bit exasperated with my inability to overcome my vice. Couldn't blame her on that front.
I won't rehash the conversation. I barely remember and I don't wanna go there anyway. Suffice to say that she was mean to me, and I was mean right back. And that was it. We were done.
But I would always come back to the site and catch up. Once a month, once every few months. She was too smart and fascinating to stay away.
The root cause of our friendship demise was a matter of us both originally crossing a boundary that we never should have crossed. We did this bit of role playing.
It was my dumb ass idea, and I will never do this again with someone I have never met in person. It was a weird time. Pandemic, no humans, alone, no job.
I asked her to role play with me, and much to my surprise, she said yes. I think she viewed it as therapy for me. Meanwhile, I had myself a little crush on her, based on her incredible mind, and I was quite open about my crush and she openly admitted she didn't mind the attention.
Heh. Those were the days. Getting a huge dopamine hit every time I got a response notification. Feeling like I was the most special out of the whole bunch. Getting complimented on my guitar playing and newfound podcasting skills by her. Her attention was intoxicating.
She said yes because she viewed me as charming and talented, and she wanted to help me. I didn't have enough understanding that sometimes she had bad days, and ultimately I leaned too much into her for support. Without taking into account that she was a human, not my personal rescuer, and that she was very ill.
So what was the role playing? I have always had a minor league interest in something like BDSM. But without all the nasty shit. I don't like physical pain. I would not let someone flog me. I only like the psychology of it and some of the optics (collars, etc.). I have issues, what can I say. And some deep seated attachment issues. I'd read her tone amd picked up on serious stubborn authoritarianism, so after some time getting to know her I flat our asked her I was like "hey, why don't you be my long distance temporary mistress? You have the personality for this. I know you're straight but it can just be like a friend thing."
I told her it could help me with my eating problems, that she was going to boss me around to make me eat when I did not feel like it.
And to my utter delight, she was not opposed to this whole setup. It still makes me smile thinking about it. This happened and there are a couple people who followed both of us who will vouch that we did this little dance in the comment section of my blog. Sweet, academic Ashley being her helpful self and trying on a little role playing action for size. The memory really makes me laugh. I have said before that it's a testament to my own charm that I roped her into such a thing. To get my needs met, and that she just hopped on for the ride is a testament to her own openness and desire to help people. . Anyway, I never should have asked. And she never should have agreed to such a thing. As two smart and professional people who were both fucked up with mental health issues, both of us should have known that this was not a good idea. But. We were also humans.
She was a natural, with some coaching. The first time, I was like "I ate breakfast!" And she was like "good job!" And I was like, "no, no, no, you have to say good GIRL." And she did a smile face and said "okay sorry, I'm still learning." In no time flat she got the hang if it. I'd say "If I eat today, I'm doing a hike after" And she goes "oh, you will eat today" and I would say "yes ma'am."
Proof of her own mild enjoyment of this whole thing happened one day on her own blog. She did a whole post bitching about people calling her ma'am at grocery stores, and similar titles of respect. I don't know if it made her feel old or what. I was like "But, I call you ma'am all the time, see." And she shot back that with me it was different...I could call her ma'am, but nobody else could.
I covered my face and started laughing with delight. So, she was enjoying this. That was her way of admitting it. I was on cloud 9 for days after that. I felt like she had all these special people, but that I was the most special of them all. I called her the queen one time and she responded with a crown emoticon. I laughed my ass off and felt absolutely delighted.
Again, it makes me smile to remember all of this. But it wasn't a good idea and it did not end well. It would been better to never open up that door and to simply remain a thoughtful and respectful commenter on her blog. I would have liked for it to stay that way. What is the saying? Hindsight is 20/20.
Anyway that's the story. Special person to many, gone now. Lesson being depression is serious. Western medicine failed her. We argued one time because I wanted her to get ketamine treatment and was willing to drive 3 hours north to bring her down for either that or shock treatment. She was moody and combative and stubborn that day and had a bunch of excuses why she couldn't do these things. "Your people will pool money together to pay" "I wasn't raised like that. I don't take handouts" "It's not charity, look at what you do for them." Etc. That kind of thing.
Anyway, I've got to lay this to rest. I wish she hadn't done it, but I have no control over that. I have to turn inward now. Journal by hand. Connect with B. All that.
I ate and I am feeling a little better. For the first time all week I want to go outside in my rain pants and breathe fresh air. I can do some long posts sometimes.
No comments:
Post a Comment