This is the first year in my memory for decades that I haven't had a cat in the house.

Last year, I lost my cat, Toby.

It wasn't a good ending.

Toby was 14 years old, an indoor car.

Toby Wan Kenoby, Tobias - he was a sweet little black and white cat.

We got him from a friend of my son. We had him from eight weeks to 14+ years.

He was there first.

Then came a couple of dogs - both the 5 year old lab and the Aussie pup knew that Toby was in charge.

They would play, but Toby would end it when he was done.

We had many foster dogs come through our home, both puppies and grown dogs.

There was never a problem. Toby would go upstairs and hide, and when he felt it was safe to come investigate, he would.

Then came Layla.

A 10 month old rescued German Shepherd. We were assured she did well with dogs and cats.

From the start, the hunt was on. Unfortunately, my Aussie joined in the constant pursuit and harassment of Toby.

We put a gate at the top of the stairs, and Toby got the whole upstairs to himself.

Layla would always be on the lookout for Toby.

Layla is an anxious dog, but she has been very sweet.

One day, I left both Layla and Mitzi out of their crates. Mitzi was freely roaming house for several years as of last year.

Layla was not left out often - and almost never without our supervision.

I left them out because I was gone for less than an hour. I came home, and the dogs were upstairs, barking.

I called them down, crated Layla, and got ready for work as a travel nurse.

That afternoon, our son found Toby, dead in the tub.

I can't get over it.

Initially, I wanted to give Layla away. I knew, though, that she would probably be put down.

I went and talked to my vet. A long talk. He basically said it was my call, but if she left our home, it would be a death sentence.

I don't know Layla's history - at ten months, she was dumped at a kill shelter.

She chases squirrels in the back yard, and when she found newborn squirrels in a nest that had fallen from our tree, she carefully brought them both to the covered back porch.

I miss my cat. I miss my kitten cat. I feel tremendous guilt. They coexisted for over two years, but we limited their time together.

We often brought Toby down and held and pet him while Layla smelled him.

I'll never know what really happened.

I just hate that it happened. I hate it.

I have no closure.

Now I'm really feeling it. Toby loved sitting under the Christmas tree. Memories and pictures are flashing past my eyes.

It will be years before I get another cat. It can't happen until Layla has gone over the rainbow bridge.

It hurts.

To Toby, and to my kids, I'm sorry.