A Hold of Spectres
Part 3
Chapter 1
It had been one week since the voice returned, and Rhaean had been unable to do anything about it. She tried the spell again, and when it didn't work, she tried another. And then another. But nothing seemed to be strong enough to dispel the spirit. Nothing she could perform, at any rate. There weren't many such spells that non-magical people could use to access magic for a specific purpose, and those that did exist usually had little to do with spirits. She had already tried the three spells available to her, and to no avail.
"Did you know Mother Grus sneaks out once a month?" the voice asked as Rhaean sat in her room, trying to study. "No one knows where she goes or what she does, but she leaves once every single month, without fail." The voice giggled. "It is interesting, isn't it?"
Rhaean couldn't deny that it was, indeed, interesting. She would never had guessed than any of the Mothers of recruits tried to sneak away from either Fortress, and yet now that she knew one of them did, she wondered that more of them did not. If even the Mothers didn't want to be here, then why were any of them? It confounded her. Had her mother ever snuck away? Did she, too, perhaps wish to leave this place? If so, why had she acted so angry and disappointed at Rhaean for suggesting they leave?
"Maybe she's too afraid of who she will be without The Order?" asked the voice from just behind her.
Rhaean furrowed her eyebrows. "She would be my mother," she said, her heart panging at the idea that her mother would feel incomplete without The Order; that she wouldn't ever be enough to make her mother content.
The voice chuckled. "She's your mother now. Does she seem happy about it?"
"You don't know of what you speak," Rhaean hissed.
"I know more than you," the voice said, "because I see more than you."
"Shut up!" Tears stung Rhaean's eyes.
"She only cares about one thing. And it's not you."
Rhaean slammed her book closed and rushed into the hallway. The voice usually only spoke to her when she was alone in her room, or in the library when no one else was. She hated that her room, the one place she had ever really found solace at Fire's Hearth, was now one of the primary places she hated being the most. But she couldn't change it. Not without revealing to everyone that she was hearing voices, and she wasn't about to do that. Not without proof that others heard it, too.
She didn't know where to go, so she stood in the hallway, breathing heavily for a few moments.
"Rhaean?"
She looked up and saw Ygritte standing a few feet away. Her brows were furrowed downward into a look of worry. "Are you alright?"
Rhaean tried to fake a smile, but it was more of a grimace than anything. "Of course I am. Just…frustrated by some of the reading," she said, desperately trying to think of an explanation for why she was in the hallway, breathing so heavily. "I decided to take a break for a moment and get some fresh air."
Ygritte studied her for a moment and then offered a soft smile. "Well, I shan't keep you from it."
She turned to walk away, but Rhaean stopped her. "Wait!"
Ygritte turned back around.
"Where…where are you going?" Rhaean asked.
"I was going to meditate in the garden," Ygritte said. "It helps me sleep up here."
Rhaean's heart leaped in her chest. "You're having trouble sleeping?"
Ygritte nodded. "Everything is too quiet up here. Not that Passing's End was loud, but at night we could actually hear the sounds of the forest. But here, everything is so isolated, it's as though nothing else is alive but us." She shuddered. "Meditation helps to quiet the anxiety I feel before bed."
Rhaean could have cursed. She had thought, perhaps, Ygritte was hearing voices too, but it seemed she had been mistaken. Still, she didn't want to be alone again. Not yet, so she asked if she could join Ygritte in her meditation. She said yes, and the two of them made their way down the hall towards the foyer. They had just about reached the double doors when a voice boomed from behind them, "Ygritte! Rhaean!"
Both girls spun around quickly. It was Mother Andromeda.
"Where exactly do you think you're going?"
"Out to the garden to meditate before bed, Mother," said Ygritte.
Rhaean's heart beat wildly. She hoped and prayed that this would not be one of the moments when her mother kept her from being close to anyone. She wanted to be with Ygritte, even if just for a few moments, to forget about the voice that haunted her. She needed this. She stared at her mother with pleading eyes, but deep down she knew it was futile.
"And Rhaean? You were going to meditate, too?" she asked, raising her eyebrows doubtingly.
Rhaean nodded. "Yes, mother. I was."
Mother Andromeda narrowed her eyes. "It is nearly curfew," she said, her voice cold and her tone biting. "Ygritte, you should know by now the dangers to your success here if you are seen consorting with someone who has yet to pass a single test since she's been here." She was speaking to Ygritte, but her eyes were on Rhaean.
"We were only trying to meditate –" Ygritte started, clearly trying to defend both herself and Rhaean, and for that, Rhaean could have kissed her. But Mother Andromeda interrupted.
"I care not for your intentions. If you want to succeed here, you should be more careful regarding whom you spend time with. I should hate to send you back to Passing's End with a note for the other Mothers to help you pack your things."
Rhaean felt anger surge into her chest. In mere moments, Ygritte left the foyer and returned to her room without another word. Mother Andromeda stared at Rhaean, her gaze intense, daring her daughter to defy her. And though she knew she would regret it later, Rhaen could not hold back her anger.
"Do you truly hate me so much?" she asked.
Mother Andromeda's expression did not change. Her breathing was steady, and yet Rhaean could see the vitriol in her eyes.
"Perhaps it would be best if I leave The Order for good, then? That way you no longer have to suffer the embarrassment of having me as your daughter."
"You are not leaving this place," she said, her voice soft but hard. "I will not allow it."
Rhaean chuckled bitterly. "Then you wish to torture me? Keep me here, knowing that I cannot do what it is you require, just so you can degrade and demean me? As though that will suddenly give me the magic I do not possess."
"I am not allowing you to leave because I know you have the potential to do everything I've asked of you. The issue is you do not want to do it."
"You're right," Rhaean said. "I don't. Because I can't." She stared back at her mother, her eyes unwavering. "I do not need to be a Sister of The Order to find purpose. I am content to be ordinary. I want to be ordinary, to live a meaningless life, to die without recognition. I want the peacefulness that offers, the mundanity. This life works for you, but it does not for me."
"I will keep you here as long as it takes to see results," Mother Andromeda said. "Even if you do not graduate with this cohort, you can try again with the next."
Rhaean felt her heart shatter. "Then you really don't feel any love for me at all?"
Mother Andromeda said nothing. Rhaean let the tears fill her eyes. She nodded and turned away to walk back to her room.
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