The Outsider. I still sometimes look under the Discover feed and see the wordpress community posting silly lighthearted things and chirping merrily at each other in the comments section.
Same thing happens at work sometimes. Banter about nothing and roars of laughter in the other room.
I just watched the first season of that show Dexter. Aside from the whole killing and psychopath thing, I relate to this guy. Some of what he'd say in his soliloquy moments resonated with me.
When this is who you are, and you'll never be a part of the herd, then the only thing to do is build skills. And get better at such skill than the average bear. Could be anything. Writing, Leadership (I feel like management is a great place for oursiders), visual art, music, hosting, speaking. Artists, poets, writers in general. They are speaking more to void than anything. Putting it out into the void, and then other alone people see it out there in the void and connect, feel less alone. Artistic people who couldn't connect with each other in a physical room, for whatever reason, put it out into the void and connect with each other that way. Journalists come to mind... and once again now regretting I didn't study and become one. They are always reporting from the outside because they are outsiders. I feel they would not become journalists in the first place...if they were not outsiders to begin with. That's the objectivity. They can be objective because they're looking at ants under a microscope. Studying behaviors from a safe distance above. Not getting involved and never fully ascribing to anything.
What I am dealing with, I have to kind of embrace that solitude in a big way. I'm now once again sitting on the fence about support groups. I can't, in reality, hand trust over to anyone right now. Especially not in light of the fact that for 10 or so days out of each month, I experience hormone driven borderline psychosis. Few out there, compared to the general population, have ever understood or been there.
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Now it's Saturday morning and we're driving. Light rain and greenery flashing by in the reflection of the window. Mild afterglow from yesterday's mushroom microdose. Feeling sensitive, both in a good and bad way. The good is this capacity for observing and feeling beauty. And fantasy as well. I take in the wildflowers in a field, beautiful summer rain in the pacific northwest, and a gentle smile plays about my face.
And feeling and imagining the cabin in the woods and the person waiting there, eyes aglow and full of compassion and all the good things. Such a stark contrast to my present reality. I laugh gently and sit with the pain and the yearning, enjoying the fantasy and the flood of oxytocin in my body.
I can laugh gently and silently because somehow there actually is a small element of humor in this. Having to do with getting so far away from whom one used to be, and further away from actualizing anything, including that loving smile and warmth in another person. And then the little laugh because I did it to myself by letting the current of life sweep me away, rather than actively swimming.
But, a little self forgiveness because there were other elements at play. Corporate slavery. Trauma. And now aging, getting older. All big issues under the umbrella with a bunch of other little issues branching out.
I smile gently as I think, even if I never meet her or the two of them, I suppose it was a blessing to possess such a powerful imagination to visualize this and feel it in my body. If it remains a vision until I die, then a spiritual person might say I was blessed to dream it.
Trees pass overhead again, reflections, people on sidewalks. Now I think about the happier people. I contemplate that they work to bring what's in their heads into fruition so that their reality resembles it as closely as possible. Perhaps not exactly as they want. And with a lot of work, I mean life is chaos and there will always be problems. But they find a way to pull everything through the mirror and toward them, magnetize some or most of the things they want. Some call this manifestation - I add to that - via action. Manifestation via action because there is no other way.
But there are still cold hard forces of evil to contend with. The less they are able to grasp hold of the fight, the will to power and actualization, the more they are oppressed by the world swirling all around us. Corporate slavery, business, commerce. Very real things which, if one can't fight will drag you down and it doesn't even care as long as it meets its own end. The animals in the wild prey on each other. Humans are preyed upon by systems. And by other people's dogmatic beliefs and other people's striving to control everyone in a country, in a political world, and at micro-levels much smaller than that.
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