I'm a lot better today. Glad I behaved. I think the day before yesterday I had exhausted myself by hauling too many mulch loads after work. Then I was exhausted yesterday morning, moody, and popped a lex which really just made everything worse in retrospect. I've said it before and I'll say it again - much like a psychedelic, it can go either way. I don't have proof, but to me it's evident these drugs were inspired by psychedelics. When they turned out to have some unpleasant side effects for whatever reason, the scientists just said oh great, people won't abuse them then. And most people don't notice that little Mixed Bag high they carry anyhow. I'm sensitive and I notice. I'm a psychonaut veteran and it's clear to me how similar they are in some ways to psychedelics and that they were inspired by such.
Anyway. I rested yesterday, got triggered last night, ate, went to bed, and woke up feeling fine.
I actually got up, had coffee, avoided meds, then I went our to shovel and haul the rest of the mulch, and I even mowed her lawn until the battery ran out. Because it's one of those girly battery ones.
Sigh. I wish she'd let me mow HER lawn one of these days. If you know what I mean.
That's my up and down for you. And not the good kind.
I feel good now. And I am eating. When I get distressed, I eat shitty. Was never like that before an eating disorder dropped. And now it's all mixed up with the other mental health things.
Friday we watched that Amy Winehouse documentary on Netflix. Aside from the musical genius, here's someone a lot like me. A couple things struck me. Firstly, as ever, it's mesmerizing that such a voice came out of a white-girl face like that. And a Brit, no less! Amazing.
Secondly, I remember in the past I got a little turned off by her Villainizing. But that, I mean glitzy and attractive ear candy like "In My Bed", and the similarly themed and smoldering "I'm No Good" where she was bragging about being a slutty asshole.
Thinking on it now, it seems like a defense mechanism. If you're controlling the narrative, then you win. You're not vulnerable. It's a defense against vulnerability. Reflecting now on my moments where I came across like a villain on purpose. Just in a different and non slutty context. But similar.
And there's something we all like about the villain anyway, otherwise songs such as these and characters like Slim Shady wouldn't be so lionozed by us - the consumers. I'd listened to "In My Bed" on repeat one time until I snapped out of it and said, "she's being a dark hole. I've been jacked around by such women. Why am I listening to this?" But now I see it another way. And besides, musically it's mesmerizing just like everything she wrote.
Indeed, the documentary shows a huge brat. She was young though. Had she lived to be a 75 year old jazz sage, her audience may have seen much growth and wisdom. As much as I struggle, I have sure as hell changed since 20-27. Fuck, I had zero empathy or ability to put myself into anyone else's viewpoint. And then, she had the talent, so everyone was kissing her ass and coddling her before she even hit the big time.
And I think it's clear she was a sensitive borderline. It's difficult for me to understand how just having a parent (who is not 100 percent gone) out the door could cause similar shit to what I experience in light of what myself and others like me have gone through, but this was also a sensitive bpd personality and some believe that depression and all that jazz is precipitated by a chemical imbalance before the trauma even drops. Which would explain why some military vets get PTSD and others don't. My father didn't appear to get it the same way other dudes do.
But that is a whole nother topic.
The other thing that stood out is her discussing how she wrote to deal with how incredibly fucked up her head was. I really felt for her. My head has been, at moments, fucked up lately in a way that's difficult to articulate. And it's definitely a roller coaster. Losing my shit last night. Being perfectly fine today. That's how I figured out that as we get older, mind/body connection is evident and if you get exhausted you don't have resources to deal with your normal craziness well enough. That's a hard lesson for the physically inclined crazies, I think.
And then her eating disorder, alcoholism that killer her, etc. I think as drunks we normalize drinking poison when in distress and it's easy to forget this is some shit that yes, can kill you and no, not just via liver damage either. But then when you're really dark, of course, you're not caring one way or another because you're likely suicidal during these phases if you're like us.
Well. How I ended this post with such positive themes for someone who is feeling better. Heh. Well, it's just that feeling better got me into that analytical journalistic mode (which is good for me), supplemented by a nice exercise high and I guess Amy was just floating around in my mind in relation to general mental health stuff. And how much people like me and like this struggle.
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