They talk about "one day at a time", but I would like to add "one thing at a time" to that. Even where it concerns face-to-face support groups.
My counselor had suggested I de-emphasize the importance of these meetings back at the start of March. She didn't mean write them off wholesale, she meant try something like Yoga. Do something a little bit fun, etc. She recognized that attending is a chore. She was right.
At that point in time, it felt urgently important to hop on that attendance train. As time has passed, I realize she was right in the sense that I do need to limit chores and expectations. I have only attended a handful and I have shown that I don't need them as much as I thought. I'm the one doing the inside work. That is the most important part.
That being said, last Thursday when I had a really rough time, it would have been nice to have someone to call. Someone whom I had already established a bond with. Instead, what I did was to "white knuckle" through it. That is a common saying and it's a potent and very apt description of what it feels like.
I had been triggered by immense pressures from work, but there may be another layer to the story here. I'd went several days without Lexapro at that point, and I suspect that I have been taking it consistently enough since detox that now I am hooked. It's hard to know if that crisis moment would have happened anyway or not. But I do know that I feel better when I am on Lexapro now. But that's okay. I believe that anti-depressants are addictive and that is why we withdraw when we stop them. But it's also pretty obvious that I'm dealing with the (much) lesser of two evils here.
I skipped my dose today because there is a possibility B and I will eat a small dose of shrooms later. Or maybe not. It seems she is not really feeling it, based on our conversation last night, and I'm not really feeling it either. It would not bother me in the least bit to wait until after the 1st of May when I am moved out of the hotel and feeling more settled in my life.
Anyway, point is that I wanted to keep myself clear, bodily.
Well, I can feel the difference. The Lexapro even helps with aches and pains. It helps with a lot.
I did some reading and it's well documented that when quitting booze, there is going to be an abundance of physical aches and pains and the depression stuff is going to be worse for a while. As noted in an earlier entry, some people will start feeling a lot better around the 90 day mark, others will feel like shit until 6 months have passed. Physically. And it's noted that many won't be psychologically stable until the one year mark.
We can see that one needs to be very strong to quit booze. This is why people band together in meetings and embrace a "higher power" and all that jazz. It's fucking hard and anyone doing this is gon' need a prayer, for sure. And a lot of meditation. It's like fuckin' emotional boot camp.
I think a lot of us think we'll just be ALL better after 30 days, which, you know, let them think that if it's going to motivate them to stop. Maybe that's why they don't say shit about the physical challenges in AA.
I thought that, and then as I neared 30 days and had proven to myself that I was serious, then I started doing research. I was slightly dismayed at the pro-tracted timeline, but not horrified as some people are. Based on responses on a reddit forum. Some drunks were like, "God, this is depressing!" They didn't want to hear about it.
Interestingly, that knee-jerk reactionary shit is the crux of the problem. The alcoholic "in his cups" cannot possibly imagine tolerating distress and discomfort for more than a day, let alone something like 6 months. Unless and until that drunk faces the reality of the road he has paved for himself, and is willing to do the very hard work of building a new road, he is trapped.
For me, it came down to, "well, this is going to suck, but that's okay. I am invested now."
About the aches and pains - I'm also hooked on Trazadone. It damn sure helps me sleep, but it's another thing that can cause aches and pains. Definitely a morning sleeping pill hangover. I either didn't notice how it affected my mornings prior, or I was so damned happy to get sleep that I didn't care.
The thing to do is cut a bunch of the pills in half when I get done eating. I am sure that if I walk every night and take half as much I will sleep fine. Less dose = less sleeping pill hangover. As to Lexapro, when the time is right a doctor will help me get off it. For now it supports quitting booze. Although it does not help every aspect of pms, it can help a hell of a lot. The 11th hour always gets me. By that I mean 1 or 2 days before bleeding. Even on lex I am like to be somewhat moody and I will puke up coffee at least once in the morning. It's like a mini version of pregnancy, so I hear. I will get at least one bad anxiety spell. I won't want to eat.
Well, tough titties. It's worse without it. I may get moody and struggle more in the 11th hour, but I don't get suicidal, I don't quit jobs on a whim, and I don't drink. The combination of willpower and Lexapro is helpful. Less struggle counts for something.
Yeah, last Thursday I had one of those impulsively suicidal spells. All of this is complicated by the trauma/borderline thing. And of course borderlines are notorious for being alcoholics and/or cutting themselves. On Thursday I leaned over and dug my nails as hard into my neck as I could to relieve tension. That's about as close as I get to cutting.
Anyway, for a while they said there's no medicinal treatment for borderlines. Oh bullshit. If Lexapro or similar drugs block suicidal impulses and impulsively in general, it's treating a big part of the problem. It also helps with anxiety. They also need to do DBT or get into buddism (same difference). I'd wager a bet that many of them won't stay on the meds long enough to see a difference. Also, if they are still young, they just need more life experience on top of it. Nothing exists in a vacuum. Let them keep getting fired from (or impulsively quitting) jobs or failing at romance and eventually they will get a clue that it's coming from them.
Ah, quite the tangent. And now I'm done eating. I like the coins. I ordered myself a coin for 60 days (11 days from now) and will post a picture when I hit 60.
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