I have this relationship in my life that I've known the guy for eight long years. I have tried everything to make things work between us but it has always felt like a losing battle. Ironically the other day, I was sitting and scrolling through TikTok. A video pops up talking about breadcrumbing and it made my heart sink.
Definition: Breadcrumbing is a colloquial term used to characterize the practice of sporadically feigning interest in another person in order to keep them interested, despite a true lack of investment in the relationship. It is regarded as a type of manipulation and can be either deliberate or unintentional.
I felt so crazy when I learned more about breadcrumbing. The more videos I saw on it the more I felt anxious. This guy I knew was in the process of getting his PhD so he had the habit of going from expecting me to be available when he was then to completely ghosting me. He even was upset one day when I was trying to get him to communicate a bit better. He snapped at me to respect his time, I had then let it go since he showed irritation when I was trying to figure out if he was breadcrumbing.
Fast forward a few weeks later, I caught him in this breadcrumb-style lie. I had asked him if he wanted me to go to his graduation. He said he wasn't sure and it would be a waste of time and money since he didn't know if he was even going. I told him I would check later again. My work currently needs to know my schedule as we are moving that same month. I asked him again, and his response was "Like I said I already have graduation plans." Uhmm excuse me, no. Did we have a completely different conversation?
Then it hit me, he didn't actually respond to me he gave me just enough of an answer to give me this false sense of hope. I spent the past weekend trying to figure out what would be the best course of action since he seems to be avoiding me now. He typically ignores me when he's done something wrong. So after thinking and looking more into breadcrumbing, I realized that the relationship is not what it seems to be. Instead its a relationship of breadcrumbing. It validates everything I'm feeling.
This is my final straw with him. I have given this man so many chances to be the kind loving person he claims to be and I'm always left with nothing more than breadcrumbs. So, instead of letting it make me feel awful and ruin my day. Or get me off track. I took advantage of this situation to practice on my coping skills.
First thing I did was I wrote a completely honest letter to him then I wrote a letter to myself. Everything I'm feeling. Then I drew a picture to best represent how I felt. I ended up drawing a broken heart. After that, I made a list of all the emotions I was feeling. I took a bubble bath then rewrote all the emotions I was feeling. Surprisingly it was working. All the negative emotions I was feeling actually felt like I processing them. I don't want this experience to waste anymore time in my life, I've known him for eight years, I've lost so much time crying about him. I don't want him having power or control over my life anymore and I have to say this is the first time I feel like I've gained some of myself back. I feel like I'm winning a battle now.
So what now?..... I'm moving forward with a no-contact rule. You basically block all his forms of communication and make sure you don't have any access to any part of his life. You treat him as though he never existed. You begin to focus more on your passions and goals in life. And I am going to try as hard as possible to follow this. I honestly don't think it's okay to demand respect from someone that you don't respect in return. I think he breadcrumbs and I don't think he will ever want to move anything forward. I'm going based upon even the good times we've had. I can see it all now. I don't want anything to do with him anymore if he's going to think giving me the bare minimum is enough. Especially after saying talking to me is frivolous but he scrolls through social media when I'm waiting on one message from him. I also believe his only intention was to receive the validation and attention from me. Nothing more, nothing less.
This brings me back to my diet and weight loss. Do I think my weight played some role in his treatment in me? Yes, I do. I think he felt comfortable disrespecting me because I am obese and single at 29. He's not overweight and he's about to graduate from PhD so I can clearly see he thinks I'm beneath him. Like I needed to know for my work schedule but he didn't want to give a clear response. The thing is that doesn't excuse his behavior at all. While one of my reasons for wanting to lose weight is to be more authentically me, I still don't think it's okay to devalue someone based upon their looks especially when you know they are trying to change it. Keep in mind, I am not a fat acceptance person but I don't think people should basically abuse you for being obese either.
Weight Loss Plan: good news though, this moment in my life hasn't changed anything for me. I am still going to lose the weight I planned. I'm still doing what I've been doing. Yes, I did overeat and cheat last night when I went out with family but I haven't cheated today. Unfortunately, I have a carb hangover but my weight literally went up by 1 pound which my weight has been the same weight for a week. I'm hoping that this ends up helping me with my weight loss. I'm hoping that taking the time to process these harsh emotions gave me the practice I need to for the next time I'm mentally struggling. I'm happy that my cheating didn't set me back though.
I hope that by putting my emotions on paper and making them tangible I'm able to have more control over them. At least process them more. So I plan on continuing my current goals (eating only keto foods, counting calories, eat less than 1500) and now making sure I follow the no-contact rule so I can heal from that relationship. I deserve to have someone who wants to give to me as much as I want to give to them. It's really that simple. It really doesn't change anything in my life either so I don't think it'll be hard unless I'm feeling lonely.
As of right now, I am on week four of the keto diet. I've lost 10 pounds (even with my cheating). I currently have about 146 days until my goal date, I am ahead by 2 pounds. This week is going to be the week that counts the most due to PMS and my period which normally is when I fall off. But I do have a plan ready to go. I'm excited to see how it works out. I'm kind of hoping this weekend has helped with my journey.
I will lose the weight and move on from him. I will meet someone new as I always do.
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