Saturday

ZeroSpace

Jan 20

I like SMART. What I dislike is hearing about people who have significant time under their belts and relapse anyway. At that point it's purely mental, and I hate that. I don't want to be that.

Maybe I should not judge because I have not yet had one of those mental spells where one ruminates, and the magnetic pull of the chemical is overwhelming. I had a moment/thought last weekend, but it was certainly nowhere near what I just described. As I said before, I placated my mind with the idea, in that moment, that if I could not get a grip at home I would just vape. I knew I wasn't likely to vape that night. I was lying to the lizard, see. I tricked him. No weed at home. Just the idea. It worked. It's okay to tell the lizard lies. He lies to us continually. That whole just 1 or 2. Gotta learn to manipulate him right back. If I ever do have weed instead, that's fine. Although. Do that in crisis (as opposed to in celebration of something or spontaneous joy nights with friends)... I admit he's winning a little. Get through the crisis with nothing and you just won 100%. Satisfying.

Anyway. Day 15 here. Lexapro continues to help some. It does not work when drinking. Drunks who still want to drink don't want to hear that. Because we want to have our cake and eat it too. "Get me well but let me drink." Skipped doses because you're busy drinking. Additional depression. Serotonin cannot compete with booze. Few things can. It eventually will overtake even a couple sugar free red bulls late in the day (tested, trust me). I don't intend to talk to recovery all the time in the future. But I may be talking about it a lot in the near future. I used to resent that people could not close their traps about it until over time I learned that if we're not talking, we're fuckin' boozing. So. Talk about it for a while.