Sometimes we have to give ourselves the "honest talk."
I am a firm believer in doing what we can to de-stigmatize conversations surrounding mental health. Too much of society -- especially western society -- ignores the rising percentages of people reporting struggles with depression, anxiety, and other conditions that impact one's mental health, and it is precisely that refusal to acknowledge the problem that exacerbates it. From toxic positivity culture -- "You gotta manifest those good thoughts and positive vibes! No negativity ever under any circumstances!" -- to toxic masculinity -- "Men don't cry! Don't be a baby! Man up!" -- there are so many things that make our culture one of the worst when it comes to acknowledging and dealing with mental health.
There's also this widely growing phenomena that blurs the lines between mental health and mental illness. Everyone has mental health and struggles with their mental health in the same way that we all have physical bodies and do what we can to take care of our physical selves. Taking care of our physical bodies might look like getting proper hydration, stretching, going for walks, lifting weights, running, knowing the type of diet we might need (and no, I do not mean dieting which is so unhealthy, please stop doing that shit). Taking care of our mental health might look like meditating once a day or journaling or taking a bath to recharge or doing yoga or speaking affirmations to ourselves in the mirror. It can also look like getting proper hydration and making sure we're feeding ourselves. (I am intentionally avoiding the phrase "eating right" because what "eating right" looks like from person to person is going to be so different, and I don't subscribe to the uber healthy fitness culture.)
These are things we can do to take care of our physical and mental selves. Certainly, there are other things as well, but the above is just a quick list of things I could think of off the top of my head. The point being: we all struggle to take care of our mental health, and those struggles are all valid.
But -- not everyone has mental illness. Mental illness is different than generic mental health. Depression, anxiety, PTSD and CPTSD and other results of trauma, and many other psychological conditions are what is defined as a type of mental illness. And while the things I've listed above with regards to taking care of our mental health can help with mental illness, they are not "cures" to something like anxiety and depression.
I have been on three different antidepressants now and one anti-anxiety medication. I first was on Prozac and it worked for a time, although I had to frequently get my dosage increased because it wouldn't work for longer than six months. So then I was put on Zoloft and while it did help my depression, it also made me numb and uninterested in things. I absolutely hated how Zoloft made me feel. Now, I'm on Wellbutrin and so far, it is working the best out of any of the medications. I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time, and I have so much more motivation to get things done.
But sometimes, we need more than medication. And don't get me started on the horrible stigmas around taking mental health medication. No one bats an eye at doctors overprescribing Vicodin or Oxycodone, but the moment a doctor puts someone on an antidepressant, everyone is outraged. "I could never take those pills! Don't they just make you feel so different? So weird? How will you ever learn to manage these struggles if you just medicate them away?" I'm so sick of all of those arguments. I'm trying not to actively kill myself, thank you, so I don't give a flying fuck about what you think. In the words of Taylor Tomlinson, "Those people don't care if you live or die, so maybe fuck those people a little?"
Yes. If you care more about how you feel about someone else taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds than you do about how those meds allow them to function, you're a piece of shit. Fuck you.
But like I said, sometimes we need more than medication. I was in EMDR for a while and naively assumed that because I had successfully treated the trauma of my marriage, that I was fine now. Yeah, not how it works. There are still so many patterns and default settings in my psyche that relate back to my marriage and other traumatic experiences I had with people after I left my ex, that the medications, while helping me function, are not helping me heal. I've seen these things popping up in multiple areas of my life and it's not only upsetting, it's unhealthy to let them fester.
Too many people let those things fester, and then those wounds get worse and the impact is all the more severe. I've said this before: the trauma is not our fault, but the healing is our responsibility. Otherwise those things come out in ways that can hurt the people around us, and that, if left untreated, can turn into abuse. It's how the abusive cycles continue from generation to generation. Breaking that cycle is hard. But necessary. And I get that it's both hard and scary, seeking out real help for our mental illnesses and trauma. But some people would rather keep the trauma that is familiar than embrace the chance for healing. The pain of familiarity is easier to take than the uncertainty of potential happiness.
I've been there. It's why I stayed in my abusive marriage for as long as I did. But then the result of that was, when I did leave my ex-husband, I stepped out of one abusive situation into another, different living situation with others who were also abusive and used me for money. The red flags were there and had been there since I had met the two of them, and looking back it is easy to see those things now. But I wanted what I thought they were offering, and so I went against my gut instincts and walked into a situation that only fucked me up more, and that situation continued to fuck me up as they both spread horrible lies about me and literally tried to ruin my life.
Avoiding healing helps no one but those who would take advantage of you. And while I'm not in a traumatic living situation now, the impact of my marriage and the living situation that followed it was and is still impacting me in negative ways. I can choose to ignore those things, which will only make them worse, or I can take ownership of my own healing, my own life, and actually commit to the hard work. So, now that I finally have health insurance again, I will be starting therapy. Thank all the gods there are, I have really good health insurance right now that is going to make it possible for me to actually see a therapist once a week without paying hundreds out of pocket every month. (This is why I believe in complete universal healthcare. People should not be put into enormous amounts of debt just to keep their bodies and minds functioning. Anyone who believes otherwise is either ignorant or heartless.)
I've been calling around looking for therapists that are taking new patients, and it's taking time. And even if/when I find a therapist, it will take even more time to get in to see them, but at least I am starting the process now. Because I have seen the horrible ways that trauma takes otherwise decent people and turns them into selfish, self-centered, assholes. Some people are fine being assholes, no matter how many people it alienates, but I'm not.
We will see how therapy helps. Keep me in your good thoughts.
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