I'm choosing to more or less not forget about my hurt and keep it in my awareness and experience it. And I choose to be a little bit shut down while also being civil. This is for my safety and protection.
What is challenging is that if I've had enough sleep I cannot help but be chipper and upbeat. Historically this has at times annoyed her. I do like the idea of being around someone where I can fully be myself in every shade of the rainbow, even when that may sometimes switch rapidly. But that time is not now.
She wrote one day that my chipper cleaning activities were rubbing her the wrong way. Well, I won't stop cleaning but I can work to not be upbeat. Not for her benefit just because, as Marilyn Monroe once said, if they can't handle you at your worst then they don't deserve you at your best. Close off and be unavailable in every way, but try to not make it too uncomfortable. So I work on consistently being as closed off as possible and she's probably enjoying it to some extent.
I have a whole weekend and lots to do. But I hardly feel like rushing.
I looked at an efficiency yesterday. 1500 for 600 some odd square feet. All utilities included except wifi, so that is good. But no washer/dryer and no dishwasher. She converted a garage.
Toward the end when I said the washer lack may be a deal breaker she said okay well, we could let you use the units in the guest house when people are not there. Must be an air b n b or something.
Beautiful front deck overlooking woods. New. But unit is small. I don't know about this. But other landlords are not responding. So this may be it. That's our world now, 1500 for a 600 square foot efficiency. Good thing I am a minimalist.
Oh yeah and the Shelton neighborhood is depressing. Shelton is kind of a shitty little depressed town. I was excited at first but I don't like towns where the general vibe screams "poverty and meth!"
The casino is not directly in Shelton, it's 11 minutes away. As these things go. They are generally on or very near to reservations. Being properties of the tribes.
Plan B is look at Tumwater and west oly and shoot for as close to the US 101 as I can get. Shave 15 minutes off that commute for a 15 minute drive.
As I said before, it's a bunch of shitty options. Choosing between nothing that is ideal. Pick a path and take the mindset that it's ideal. That's all we can do. And guard our hearts tight until we find someone who won't shit on it. If possible.
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