During the last couple of days, I felt myself to be in a peaceful place. His love flowing and speaking through me, the Holy Spirit no doubt. I am grateful when He brings me back; draws me in, reminding me of His unconditional love and how it is we are to live our lives.
A series of events, seemingly trivial, small, and insignificant to others, can spiral quickly, bringing forth a wave of emotions. Yes, this was me yesterday. I know my emotions don't run the show, but something deep inside me wanted to be heard, to be seen and understood. Something swelled up inside me and feeling it needed to be released, let go of.
Let me take you back to a couple days ago. Something made me think of the happier moments, those of joy. I was in the mood for an omelet, but I knew we'd be having lunch not much longer after. No big deal. My husband offered to make one up for me-besides, it tastes better when someone else makes it, right. I will have one tomorrow (Sunday), I thought at the time. For a while, it was traditional, or routine to have an omelet on a weekend morning.
Saturday now became Sunday. The rain had stopped, the sun broke through, sunshine to brighten the spirits. So much to be thankful for, makes me appreciate the sunshine and blue skies even more after days upon days of cloud filled skies, rain, and cool temps.
We went for a neighborhood walk in the morning, taking in and expressing gratitude for all the beauty that surrounds us. The sunshine, blue skies, fun shaped clouds, bold fall colors and time with family. Knowing we would be going for a hike sometime after, I thought it would be best to get something to eat before heading out on the trail.
There wasn't much of anything to make an omelet, so he suggested preparing it a different way, maybe scrambled, but I wasn't in the mood for that. One thing led to another in my own mind. The joy and contentment I felt, soon faded as my thoughts grabbed a hold of events and behaviors in the past, making immediate connections and allowing frustration to set in. I didn't know what I wanted in that moment. My joy faded At that point, the conflict within was no longer about the omelet itself, rather a deeper meaning and something needed resolve.
A part of me was hurting. There was much discontentment. What was it inside of me that was hurting so bad and needed to express big emotions and let it out? Was it that I was holding on too long to be strong and simply needed a release? Had I not given forgiveness and let go of hurtful events of the past? What is it I was and still am, harboring and holding onto to? The hurt, the pain, some stronghold so it seems, still cries out. Not trying to be mean or hurtful, rather trying to understand and let go.
Communication is key. Communication can make or break you in friendships and relationships. There is a time to listen and a time to talk. Please understand the behavior, actions and words are not meant to be taken personally for these are their own internally struggles just trying to be worked out and release. It can be so very easy to get defensive and take as a personal attack. I have been before and continue to be, on both sides of it-the person who needs the release and on the receiving end of someone else that needs to dump and get out of their own head.
A part of me has a need to be seen, heard, appreciated, understood, validated, and acknowledged in the moment. Then I think to myself, I need to shift my focus and remind myself I need to look to and depend on God more often for He will satisfy my needs and make everything just right.
What is it that causes me to seek out these things in the flesh? Is it my own expectation of what I hope for life to be like is causing me to get frustrated? Does it come from my own childhood experience, having some basic needs not being met, feeling like there is a void, a deficit, something that has been missing?
Whatever the reason or root cause, I see there is still much more work to do on my end of things, to acknowledge, accept, name what it is that is causing me the dysfunction, then let it be in the past where it belongs so I may enjoy the present moment.
I am working through and trying to overcome and not let certain words, phrases and actions trigger me so quickly. Not everyone understands my mindset or why I allow things to affect me the way they do. I know I am a child of God; I know He created me on purpose for a purpose (that has yet to be revealed). So, when I get asked "Why…" am I like the way I am, being so sensitive, getting emotional or upset so easy, get offended. This is who God created me to be. I don't know the "Why", but I do know it is for a good reason and a higher purpose.
There are opportunities for learning and growth (spiritual maturity), in every trial, struggle, and storm we go through. Maybe it's not so much about me in the moment as it is for other people to experience. What can someone else learn from being in my presence, in times of an emotional state? The moments when one is so vulnerable. The heart is so fragile, so tender, especially for those like me who have taken years upon years, learning how not to wear my heart on my shoulders, become offended so easily and take everything very personally. I've made great gains and progress, yet I know I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn. I will mature and become who it is I am meant to be in my own timing.
It is easy to become offended by other people's words and actions. Until we have healed from our own trauma, fully released, and let it go, we will continue to hurt one another (unintentionally-because of the lens through which we look and perspective), rather than live in peace, light and love.
If you have a relationship with and know God, then you will know what it is I (and everyone else) does need-LOVE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, KINDNESS, PATIENCE, GRACE & HUMAN COMPASSION.
May you walk in peace, be the light, make the world a little brighter and bring hope to other people!!!
God Bless!!
No comments:
Post a Comment