They're the two words I am currently juggling.
Looking back on relationships more, I realise that my actions toward partners weren't acts of love. But more acts of obligation.
As a woman, I felt it was my obligation to only exist in the bedroom. To care for my partner, give them reassurance, make them feel good, mould myself to their needs.
As a woman, I felt it was duty to be the carer. To pour myself into my partner.
Thus, changing my mindset to suit them and their lives. Not mine.
I don't believe I ever truly loved a man. I simply performed my duties based on what I was taught by external factors.
I just existed for them. I was never me.
I just changed myself because I thought that was what love was.
But it wasn't. It was obligation from belief.
I never loved them. Not truly.
My previous partner was merely a boy that I supported financially and changed myself to ensure that I was what he wanted. A trophy.
That Asian girlfriend he was "so happy to finally have".
The one before him who I felt obligated to stay with due to his mental health. Making me not realise my own demons.
The only good thing that cane from him cheating, was pushing me to finally go to therapy.
I learned that it wasn't entirely my fault that people weren't faithful in the past.
The one before him. The one that truly cared about me. We were both too young and I believed he was someone to save me from the baggage I was carrying from my first.
I just ended up hurting him. But also making peace with our past knowing we are both ok after everything. He gave me his family when I needed one the most.
He has become a distant family member himself and I still have love for him in a different way. I will always be grateful. But also very sorry.
That's what it boils down to now. Reflecting and realising.
But I'm not forcing it, I'm not rushing it.
I am finally slowing down and taking my time. I am in a new house, a new home, and starting a new life.
Only this time, I am keeping close the ones I truly love. The truest love that comes from my heart. The ones I am grateful for.
The ones I felt obigated for in the past... Thank you. You won't be remembered, but you also won't be forgotten.
My healing isn't linear, but it is happening.
It is time to slow down and finally take my own advice.
Much obligation-free love to you all.
And thank you x
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