Miss you mom!
Today marks the one-year anniversary of my mom's death. I know, it's not really a celebration. However, it's a day that must be marked.
I actually didn't see my mom on July 1st. She passed in the morning. I said goodbye to her on June 30 - three days after her stroke. I was at peace with not seeing her the day she died. I never wanted to see her without a heartbeat.
Anyway, I'm not here today to lament over my mom's death. I'm here to look back over my first year without her. Our, my family's first year without her.
For those first 7 weeks after she left, I floated along, not really knowing how to live. I had a vacation a few weeks after she passed. Jeff and I had planned it months before her fateful day. That time away actually helped me heal.
When I returned from vacay, I got back to work. I began to find a way in the world without her. The end of August came and I faced her first birthday without her. My family gathered that day and celebrated her.
The holidays came and went. As they approached, I worried. What would they feel like without her? I made an effort to make them as special as she had when she was with us - perfect. I did that.
January marked my birthday. I got Covid the beginning of January and was sick for three weeks. As my birthday approached at the end of January, I was afraid I wouldn't be well. I rallied, and healed, and I had a nice day.
I skied on my birthday. I was afraid how I would feel having a birthday without the woman who put me on this earth. It was a bittersweet day. I had a nice day, and also couldn't stop thinking of my mom. At the end of that day, I said good night to her with a feeling that she had watched over me all day.
I was washed with grief the middle of winter. There were a series of event that brought it on, and I knew in order to heal, I had to just sit back and allow myself time. It helped.
If you follow my blog, you know during the winter my niece had been fighting for her life. In April things took a turn for the worse. As spring melted into summer, Meg lost her battle.
Her death and the anniversary of my mom's demise and passing have been a blow for my family and me.
That said, what my mom's passing has taught me is that life goes on. I don't say this to be cold. I say it to remind me and my loved ones that we must go on.
I have struggled all year. I have missed my mom and I've prayed and been hopeful Meg would pull through. Alas, as hard as she fought, she could not overcome. I'm wrecked with her loss. And I still miss my mom.
That said, Meg and my mom are in paradise. I have faith. My family has faith. We know they are together in heaven. We are left here to deal with their absence.
They both suffered before they died. The fact that they are at peace allows us to heal. What can't heal is the void they both left. Grandmother and granddaughter are together in Heaven looking out for us. That gives me comfort. I can look to the year ahead knowing I have two angels looking out for me. That gives me strength.
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