Last week I wrote about Wounded People and how they became wounded. In that blog, I explained how children grow up with wounds from a dysfunctional childhood and become wounded people. I've been thinking a lot about that blog since I wrote it, and I realized wounds can be sustained as adult too.
Wounded people may find themselves in dysfunctional relationships that can leave more scars. They can be personal or work relationships. Both can do a number on you by damaging your self image or self confidence. However, wounds can be inflicted in other ways, too.
Today, I'd like to talk about the damage that is done to a person as a result of grief. The loss of a loved one is … There are no words. If you know, you know, and I'm sorry you've experienced that level of loss.
If you follow my blog, you know my family has sustained back-to-back losses. My mom last July, and my niece, June of this year. My mom's death was timely, my niece's was not. Both were a blow.
Meg and mom sitting with my dad during happier times.
These two women were remarkable in their own ways. My mom raised five kids while going to school to get her Bachelor's in Nursing back in the 70s, when there were no online schools. She was a strong woman, until she wasn't. The last few years of her life she faded away. Her loss left a void in our family. It left me with a wound.
Meg, my niece, had a storied life. She overcame adversity to earn a Bachelor's and a Master's in psychology. Then she continued her schooling, doing her clinicals so she could be a mental health counselor. She modeled the strength of all the women in her life. She died this year from complications of a liver transplant. I've never seen anyone fight as hard as she did to come back from the hurdles she faced before and after her surgery. Watching what she endured will haunt me my entire life. Her loss left another wound.
Grief is odd. I believe it is a sentient being inside you. When you first feel it's presence it's surprising, and not in a good way. It's heavy and hard to get away from. It's an uninvited guest to your life that is all-encompassing. It takes control, and you fight so hard to regain your control from it.
How you deal with the wound it inflicts on your soul is up to you. There are many books written about coping with grief, but everyone's ability to cope with it is different.
What has helped me is to realize that, no matter what, life goes on. Despite the good days and bad ones, and the even more worse ones, life continues whether you want it to or not. I go to bed at night, sad and heavy, and I wake up lighter. Maybe still sad, but it's a new day and must be welcomed as such.
Losing my mom last year also taught me that time does heal. The further away from her death I got, the easier it was to remember her in a happier light. The weight of our past sorted itself out with time. I began to find my mom in different places or feel her when I needed her. It was a blessing.
Meg's recent loss felt different. As I said, my mom's was sad, but it was timely. Meg should still be here. I feel a longing for her. I grieve knowing what she will not be part of.
Personally, she is missing my daughter's wedding in December. She will miss the birth of my daughter's children when that time comes down the road. She will miss seeing her young cousins, who adored her, grow up. She missed her sister's wedding this year. There are so many milestones she has missed and will miss.
But I need to stop there and reframe this. As I am a Christian and know she is in heaven, I need to say, "I will miss her at these events."
I have no doubt my mom and Meg will be at Maddy's wedding. I have no doubt they will be at my side and in Maddy's heart when she has her babies. But I will miss their physical presence. I will not get to share tears of joy with them. I will not feel their arms around me anymore. That hurts. That leaves a wound that may never heal, or when it does, it will leave a nasty scar.
My family has been dealt back-to-back blows. My mom and Meg, their absences from our lives will always be felt. We will forever notice them not being there - the empty chairs.
As hard as it feels at times, life goes on. We find ways to find joy. We talk to our lost loved ones because they hear us. They will talk back in their own ways. We will stay on earth and live our lives in a mighty way to honor them. We will heal our wounds and face each day as happy as we are able.
They will forever be missing from our lives. We will live our lives to the fullest knowing we will see them again. Until then, we will heal our wounds and find our own ways to get back to happy.
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