So it has been a while. I hope you're doing good.
I don't even know where to start. Especially with my most recent therapy appointment, it is like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I know I write a lot about my mental health, it has almost become a personality trait. Now I know why.
Shame and validation.
I broke down in therapy telling him my high school horrors, getting into the nitty gritty of it. Even great detail of the day I dropped out of high school. How it happened, why it happened. I fully flashed back to the moment I ran out the doors crying to my mum, screaming I never wanted to go back to that place.
The rumours that my bullies started up about me. My bullies finding ways to still torment me after I left school.
But not ONCE, did anyone ask if I was OK.
That was it. My feelings were never validated and I felt shame in myself to my very core.
I have shame for everything I went through. Anger to what was. Sadness to what could have been.
It has been a perpetual toxic relationship with a part of myself I didn't know how to hold or approach. So I just kept her off to the side and buried her deep.
Finally I have a name to her. Shame.
Shame never asks me if I am OK, never checks in with me.
Shame just gives me swift kicks to the stomach with reminders of the worst things in my life. Shame did everything she could to be noticed. But again, I kept her buried deep and ignored her as best I could.
But Shame had her claws in me. It was like a drug that was constantly pumped in me.
I am so used to the feeling of Shame that it shaped me as an entire person. Made me the things I hate.
Shy, angry, wounded, anxious, depressed.
But never once, was I truly asked if I was OK.
But that is OK. Because I am OK. I have made it through my lifetime with this Shame, and I am still going. I am doing my best still to remove the habits that Shame taught me.
Nowdays, I have taken myself off social media a bit more, practicing mindfulness and embracing my emotions.
It is hard though. It is a constant dance with life taking 1 step forward and 3 steps back.
Hopefully I can change my dance routine with Shame.
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