The depression may be slowly starting to lift. I can't say how many times I have started a post, sometimes even getting a good way through, but then deleted it. Because I talk about mundane things, and everything seems so pointless when I try to blog during a depression phase.
If I am here writing every day and have some sort of insight on something on a daily basis, it means I'm somewhat stable. Like, for example. When I was in treatment and suddenly took up an observational journalistic approach to recording everything about my classmates - that's usually good. That's me not depressed. I say somewhat stable...because who knows how stable I ever really am, it seems to me it's a matter of degrees. The first time I read Thom Wolfe I was thrilled because here was someone who had a piece of that spark of madness I experience. Later when I learned about BPD and CPTSD and all that shit, I kind of started looking differently at all these accomplished creative I had admired and seemed so different from everyone else. Well, ha. Time and living gave me some insight into why I relate so well to Billy Corgan and all these famous authors and such.
Yesterday I sat at her place and it was the same grey. Just more interesting, pretty environment, and featuring adorable cats. I realized I was still depressed.
Finally, I began sneezing and coughing.. so I decided to go back to the pad. I don't like coughing around anyone. Last night I had another fit so bad I had to use the inhaler.
The day prior we had discussed radical acceptance. So I've been looking that up and reading a little bit. It's hard to put into practice. Hard to accept a new plane where energy is low the greater part of the time, the wheezing, etc. The increased allergies. It seems that suddenly in addition to this asthma like thing Covid gifted me in a seemingly permanent way, I've now got a real sensitivity to everything out there. I now have to decide if I'll go out for allergy medicine today or just stay in and deal with it.
It was cute that I thought I could get a meal down but at least I tried. I stopped trying to eat a good half hour ago such that a "blog n eat" session became simply a blog session.
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