I'm turning forty in a couple weeks. . .

Yuck. Just saying it makes me think it's time to book a room in the retirement home.

After the confetti drops and all the obligatory birthday wishes from acquaintances are left on my Facebook wall, I'll be old officially. A cranky, graying, sore shadow of the virile young person I once was.

To ring in the start of my fortieth trip around the sun I've decided to compile a list of the many ways getting old stinks. Unfortunately, it wasn't difficult to come up with.

Young geeks and fellow elderly, here it is, The Top 10 Reasons Getting Old Sucks. Enjoy, unless your as cantankerous as I am.

#1Gray Hair

#2Inexplicable Aches and Pains

#3Getting Called Ma'am/Sir

#4Hair Grows Places it Shouldn't

#5Randomly Falling Asleep

#6Practical Purchases Seem Cool

#7Not Having Enough Energy to Go All Night

#8Being Told My Age is the New (Insert Younger Age)

#9Recognizing Money I've Squandered Should've Gone Toward Retirement

And the final reason getting old sucks. . .

#10Being Out of Touch with Young People

Despite my increasing intimacy with my own mortality, there are a few marvelous things about getting on in decades as well.

Napping has become socially acceptable. I don't have to pull my license out of the wallet anymore either, since all cashiers and bouncers can see I'm old A.F.

Aside from those, aging is detestable.

I'm mostly joking of course. Life is as full of blessings as it ever was, in these final weeks leading up to my cuarenceañera. . .I'll just keep telling myself that as I have to elevate my legs each night due to sore knees and bad circulation.

Thanks for checking in for this bleak, but hopefully somewhat comedic edition of Failing Upwards. If you're under 35, slow down. Appreciate your youth. And if you're my age or older, I'm sorry. . .but at least we'll be crusty together.

List by John Andreula

Edited by Kodid Laraque-Two Elk

Originally Published 3-18-22 on 5280Geek.com