Jim loves the 15th episode of season six of How I Met Your Mother. Katy Perry guest stars as, I think, someone Robin picks as a possible date for Ted. The character is gullible and trusting, maybe not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but awfully sweet.

She'll say things like, "I know I shouldn't give out my Social Security number, but this man was a Nigerian prince."

And Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Robin will sigh and say, "Oh, HONEY."

They are "honeying" her because Future Ted, telling his kids about the interlude, can't remember her name; he just refers to the character as 'Honey.'

They are honeying her because 'Honey' is what we call someone that we like, but who is sometimes smaller and weaker, in some way, than we are.

The episode is called, "Oh, Honey," and I'm thinking about it because I've been "honeyed" several times recently.

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I was at, for instance, a meeting where a Pretty Important Person (a PIP, that is) was participating…when his engagement in the topic wasn't interrupted, very noisily, by his taking Pretty Important Calls. A couple of times I was confused about points the PIP put forth. I had a different understanding from previous events.

So, I raised my hand and asked about it.

The PIP paused for a long time, each time I asked a question. The other participants looked up expectantly.

Finally, the PIP sighed and said to me, "WHAT, honey?"

The way he honeyed me had a clear sub-text. The sub-text was this:

  • You are not as important as I am, so, although we have met several times, I don't remember your name.
  • You are, I guess, kind of a sweet old lady, but you're not very bright.

I thought of some terms of endearment I could call the Pip, but I didn't think the time was ripe for that.

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And then just last week, I went to the sporting goods store, son James in tow, to buy me some weights and resistance bands. I found what I needed pretty easily, and then we wended our way through the aisles to the checkout.

The cashier was a pretty young woman, probably no more than 20. She pulled the items closer to her as I emptied my basket.

"Did you find everything, Honey?" she said.

I looked at her sharply. Where I come from, younger people do not call their elders 'Honey.' But I figured she had to be well-intentioned, so I smiled and said yes.

Then she honey-ed me on every sentence she uttered.

"Are you a rewards member, Honey?" she asked.

"That'll be 62.66, Honey," she said.

"Do you want a receipt, Honey?" she inquired.

"Thank you, Honey!" she chirped as I stuffed the receipt in my pocket and walked away, muttering.

I was covered with 'Honey' by the time we left, but I wasn't feeling particularly sweet.

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'Honey' does have its place. It's a term of endearment between equals; I remember my parents calling each other Honey on good days, and shortening it, sometimes, to Hon ("Hand me those matches, please, Hon.") It was interchangeable; my mother used 'Honey' as easily as my father.

But words wield power in power situations.

I remember when leaders in the women's movement started insisting on things like not using 'he' as the default pronoun, or substituting 'Ms.' for a descriptor than indicates marital status. A lot of people were puzzled by this; they thought there were bigger, more important issues to dwell on---things like equitable salaries and affordable child care.

"They're just WORDS," I remember a friend saying.

But, truly, words ARE powerful.

I had a prof in grad school who liked to talk about that. He said you could discern the power groups in a society by the way it uses language. Is there, he asked us, a male equivalent for the word 'slut'?

We thought about that, and someone came up with 'stud,' but, as the prof pointed out, it's not exactly an insult to be called a stud. To be called a slut, though---that's sticky and damaging.

And, thinking about 'honey' in that frame shines a light on sexism. When a man calls a woman he does not know well 'Honey,' there's something demeaning in that.

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That same prof talked about the concept of 'talking up' and talking down,'---that the language we use changes situationally, and based on the perceived power of the conversants. So, unless I am very confused, I would not call the person who is interviewing me for a job 'Honey.'

But we wouldn't flinch at a grownup using 'Honey' to a child they know. Say the little one has skinned her knee and goes running to her auntie. The woman cuddles her niece and says, "Come on, honey; let's go wash that off."

From appropriate grown-up to well-loved child, the term 'honey' seems appropriate, too.

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There's another layer to this, and that's cultural. I've been brought up short, in certain situations, when students have called me 'honey.' A little digging unearthed the fact that in their extended family, people called other people they like 'Honey.'

I'm not telling them that's WRONG, and I sure am not saying they should stop doing that, in their family. But I do want them to know that, in other circles, the person on the receiving end of the Honey might not be thrilled. There are family words and names we probably ought to keep within the family.

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Because Honey, misused, can be a linguistic cudgel. It is, for sure, a power word. And, in my lexicon, a younger person should never call an older person Honey (unless that's the older person's name, and the younger person is comfortably on a first name basis.) And a grownup should not use Honey in place of a name for another adult, unless that adult is their dearly beloved or their bosom friend.

There ought to be rules for this stuff, I think, and then, because I'm bossy anyway, I decide to make some up. Here they are:

  • Honey can be used, by mutual agreement, in relationships between equals.
  • People in professional settings should not address others—regardless of gender—by the term 'honey.' If they don't know the other person's name, they should ask, maybe with an apology ("I'm so sorry; I have a mind like a sieve. Can you tell me your first name?"). Then they should use that name in responding, i.e., "Ann, that's an excellent question. Let's refer to the data."
  • Clerks in stores and services, people who answer phones, receptionists—meeters and greeters of any type---should not refer to the people they meet and greet, especially older people, as 'honey.' Instead, they should use the person's name if they have it (say they're checking a person out with a credit card; the name is right there.) And they should use a title and last name, not a first name. So the clerk at the sporting goods store could have said, "Do you have a rewards card with us, Ms. Kirst?"

And, if the name is not readily available, it's better to use ma'am or sir if there's a need to attach some form of address to a sentence.

  • People who know them well may use 'Honey' with children; strangers should not.

Does that cover it, do you think? What would you add or amend?

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A trusted colleague of mine was at a meeting with the PIP not too long ago. She emerged chagrined.

"He called me DEAR," she said. I was a little miffed, I told her; I think dear implies greater respect than honey.

But neither term is acceptable, really. We decided that the next time we get honey-ed or dear-ed at a public meeting, we're going to reply, "I'm sorry, Sweetums; can you repeat that?"

And then we'll see what reaction we get.

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